Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Newton's Theory
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven...... ......
They decide to play hide-n-seek. ........
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..
He is supposed to count up to 100...and then start searching... ..
Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.... .......
Einstein's counting
1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ...
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .
Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s....out. ...."
Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims that he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton ...
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1 meter squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared..... .
since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal,
Therefore Pascal is OUT.........
They decide to play hide-n-seek. ........
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..
He is supposed to count up to 100...and then start searching... ..
Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.... .......
Einstein's counting
1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ...
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .
Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s....out. ...."
Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims that he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton ...
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1 meter squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared..... .
since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal,
Therefore Pascal is OUT.........
Friday, October 06, 2006
Tiger
The Tiger, a poem by William Blake
Tiger Tiger. burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye.
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat.
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp.
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears:
Did he smile His work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger Tiger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Tiger Tiger. burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye.
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat.
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp.
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears:
Did he smile His work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger Tiger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Rajkumar Does it again!
Rajkumar of ECE Dept(2nd yr) has won the second prize in the national level technical symposium called "TARAS'06" ,conducted by valliammai engg college in their premises.It was a vibrant and colourful meet which took place for two days(22/23-09-06).He presented a paper on the topic RFID along with barath, in a paper presentation event aimed at harnessing the technological prowess of today's youngsters.Rajkumar not only made our college proud but also proved his technical and leadership competence by winning the top honour.The Chief guest Mr.Malleswaran gave away the certificates and a cash prize of Rs.1000.
Over 70 teams had registered with their various innovative projects.But only 15 best teams were selected to present their papers.Despite the heavy competition, our team managed to get a place in the top slot.First prize went to a tean from R.M.K engg college, who presented a paper on Bluetooth.
"Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration"
-a sanskrit saying.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Factomania!
The same side of the Moon always faces the Earth. The Moon's rotation period is synchronous with its revolution period around the Earth.
Neil Armstrong's foot print on moon..
Ants don't sleep.
Owls have eyeballs that are tubular in shape, because of this, they cannot move their eyes.
A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.
The mouse is the most common mammal in the US.
A newborn kangaroo is about 1 inch in length.
A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
The Canary Islands were not named for a bird called a canary. They were named after a breed of large dogs. The Latin name was Canariae insulae - "Island of Dogs."
There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.
A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European weasel.
Tapeworms range in size from about 0.04 inch to more than 50 feet in length.
A baby bat is called a pup.
German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
A female mackerel lays about 500,000 eggs at one time.
It takes 35 to 65 minks to produce the average mink coat. The numbers for other types of fur coats are: beaver - 15; fox - 15 to 25; ermine - 150; chinchilla - 60 to 100.
The animal responsible for the most human deaths world-wide is the mosquito.
The biggest pig in recorded history was Big Boy of Black Mountain, North Carolina, who was weighed at 1,904 pounds in 1939.
Cats respond most readily to names that end in an "ee" sound.
A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat cannot seem to find tidbits on the floor.
Pigs, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned.
Snakes are immune to their own poison.
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
Cats have more than one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The biggest member of the cat family is the male lion, which weighs 528 pounds (240 kilograms).
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Each day in the US, animal shelters are forced to destroy 30,000 dogs and cats.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The cat lover is an ailurophile, while a cat hater is an ailurophobe.
A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.
It may take longer than two days for a chick to break out of its shell.
Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.
Despite man's fear and hatred of the wolf, it has not ever been proved that a non-rabid wolf ever attacked a human.
There are more than 100 million dogs and cats in the United States.
Americans spend more than 5.4 billion dollars on their pets each year.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
The largest cockroach on record is one measured at 3.81 inches in length.
It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as 10,000 insects in the course of a summer.
Amphibians eyes come in a variety shapes and sizes. Some even have square or heart-shaped pupils.
It would require an average of 18 hummingbirds to weigh in at 1 ounce.
Dogs that do not tolerate small children well are the St. Bernard, the Old English sheep dog, the Alaskan malamute, the bull terrier, and the toy poodle.
Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of earth in a day.
Howler monkeys are the noisiest land animals. Their calls can be heard over 2 miles away.
A quarter of the horses in the US died of a vast virus epidemic in 1872.
The fastest bird is the Spine-tailed swift, clocked at speeds of up to 220 miles per hour.
There is no single cat called the panther. The name is commonly applied to the leopard, but it is also used to refer to the puma and the jaguar. A black panther is really a black leopard.
A capon is a castrated rooster.
The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.
The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.
The hummingbird, the loon, the swift, the kingfisher, and the grebe are all birds that cannot walk.
The poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers.
A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
Worker ants may live seven years and the queen may live as long as 15 years.
The blood of mammals is red, the blood of insects is yellow, and the blood of lobsters is blue.
Cheetahs make a chirping sound that is much like a bird's chirp or a dog's yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.
The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.
The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court. 98% of brown bears in the United States are in Alaska.
Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool.
The Barbie doll has more than 80 careers.
To make one pound of whole milk cheese, 10 pounds of whole milk is needed.
99% of pumpkins that are sold for decoration.
Every 30 seconds a house fire doubles in size.
The month of December is the most popular month for weddings in the Philippines.
A one ounce milk chocolate bar has 6 mg of caffeine.
Carbon monoxide can kill a person in less than 15 minutes.
The largest ever hailstone weighed over 1kg and fell in Bangladesh in 1986.
Ants can live up to 16 years.
In Belgium, there is a museum that is just for strawberries.
The sense of smell of an ant is just as good as a dog's.
Popped popcorn should be stored in the freezer or refrigerator as this way it can stay crunchy for up to three weeks.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart
stops for a millisecond.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - HoneY.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All polar bears are left handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each
salad served in first-class.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear
by 700 times.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
.
.
.
Contributed by
S.Pradeep Kumar
Neil Armstrong's foot print on moon..
Ants don't sleep.Owls have eyeballs that are tubular in shape, because of this, they cannot move their eyes.
A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.
The mouse is the most common mammal in the US.
A newborn kangaroo is about 1 inch in length.
A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
The Canary Islands were not named for a bird called a canary. They were named after a breed of large dogs. The Latin name was Canariae insulae - "Island of Dogs."
There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.
A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European weasel.
Tapeworms range in size from about 0.04 inch to more than 50 feet in length.
A baby bat is called a pup.
German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
A female mackerel lays about 500,000 eggs at one time.
It takes 35 to 65 minks to produce the average mink coat. The numbers for other types of fur coats are: beaver - 15; fox - 15 to 25; ermine - 150; chinchilla - 60 to 100.
The animal responsible for the most human deaths world-wide is the mosquito.
The biggest pig in recorded history was Big Boy of Black Mountain, North Carolina, who was weighed at 1,904 pounds in 1939.
Cats respond most readily to names that end in an "ee" sound.
A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat cannot seem to find tidbits on the floor.
Pigs, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned.
Snakes are immune to their own poison.
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
Cats have more than one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The biggest member of the cat family is the male lion, which weighs 528 pounds (240 kilograms).
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Each day in the US, animal shelters are forced to destroy 30,000 dogs and cats.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The cat lover is an ailurophile, while a cat hater is an ailurophobe.
A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.
It may take longer than two days for a chick to break out of its shell.
Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.
Despite man's fear and hatred of the wolf, it has not ever been proved that a non-rabid wolf ever attacked a human.
There are more than 100 million dogs and cats in the United States.
Americans spend more than 5.4 billion dollars on their pets each year.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
The largest cockroach on record is one measured at 3.81 inches in length.
It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as 10,000 insects in the course of a summer.
Amphibians eyes come in a variety shapes and sizes. Some even have square or heart-shaped pupils.
It would require an average of 18 hummingbirds to weigh in at 1 ounce.
Dogs that do not tolerate small children well are the St. Bernard, the Old English sheep dog, the Alaskan malamute, the bull terrier, and the toy poodle.
Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of earth in a day.
Howler monkeys are the noisiest land animals. Their calls can be heard over 2 miles away.
A quarter of the horses in the US died of a vast virus epidemic in 1872.
The fastest bird is the Spine-tailed swift, clocked at speeds of up to 220 miles per hour.
There is no single cat called the panther. The name is commonly applied to the leopard, but it is also used to refer to the puma and the jaguar. A black panther is really a black leopard.
A capon is a castrated rooster.
The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.
The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.
The hummingbird, the loon, the swift, the kingfisher, and the grebe are all birds that cannot walk.
The poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers.
A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
Worker ants may live seven years and the queen may live as long as 15 years.
The blood of mammals is red, the blood of insects is yellow, and the blood of lobsters is blue.
Cheetahs make a chirping sound that is much like a bird's chirp or a dog's yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.
The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.
The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court. 98% of brown bears in the United States are in Alaska.
Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool.
The Barbie doll has more than 80 careers.
To make one pound of whole milk cheese, 10 pounds of whole milk is needed.
99% of pumpkins that are sold for decoration.
Every 30 seconds a house fire doubles in size.
The month of December is the most popular month for weddings in the Philippines.
A one ounce milk chocolate bar has 6 mg of caffeine.
Carbon monoxide can kill a person in less than 15 minutes.
The largest ever hailstone weighed over 1kg and fell in Bangladesh in 1986.
Ants can live up to 16 years.
In Belgium, there is a museum that is just for strawberries.
The sense of smell of an ant is just as good as a dog's.
Popped popcorn should be stored in the freezer or refrigerator as this way it can stay crunchy for up to three weeks.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart
stops for a millisecond.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - HoneY.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All polar bears are left handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each
salad served in first-class.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear
by 700 times.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
.
.
.
Contributed by
S.Pradeep Kumar
Monday, September 18, 2006
Senthil's World
There are Two types of People in this World.
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Boys 'n' Girls
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Boys 'n' Girls
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Girls who like senthil!
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Boys who want to be like senthil!!!!!
Boys who want to be like senthil!!!!!
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.
.
contibuted
by
R.Senthil Kumar
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Suriya - Jyothika Tie The Knot
[Monday, September 11, 2006]
It was the day that almost every one in the industry seemed to have waited for. The biggest wedding in the industry of recent times ---Suriya with Jyothika --- was solemnized with all the traditional beauty and cinematic attraction. Suriya, the reigning heartthrob, tied the sacred thread around Jyothika’s neck at around 7 a.m. this morning. It was an occasion that was rich in emotions and cuteness as Suriya and Jyothika had been in love for several years now.
It was a triumph of human emotions, much like in films. Last evening, there was a mehindi function in true traditional style. The wedding itself was a many splendoured affair with all the big and mighty of the land at tow. Suriya looked happy and was attired in a traditional pattu veshti shirt. Jyothika was a resplendent land in a many-lakhs worth sari and an equally royal-designed diamond set. Jyothika's sisters Nagma and Roshini were conspicuous by their presence. A lavish spread and a grand reception were also underway.
The stream of well wishers included actors Rajinikanth, Kamal Haasan, Sarath Kumar, Radhika, Prabhu, Nepoleon, Vijay, Prakash Raj, Madhavan, Sathyaraj, Ajith, Shalini, Dhanush, Prashanth, Sneha, Asin to name a few. Joining them were directors K Balachander, Bharathiraja, Bala, Ameer, Vasanth, Gautam Menon, K S Ravikumar, S P Muthuraman, Lingusamy, Susi Ganesan, Dharani, K Bhagyaraj, Priya, Ramana, P Vasu among others. Music directors Illayaraja, A.R. Rahman, Bharadwaj, playback singers Bhavadharini, Harish Raghavendar, Tamil Film Producers Council president Rama Narayanan, producers A V M Saravanan, A V M Balasubramaniam, 'Aalayam' Sriram, A M Rathnam, K R G among others graced the occasion.
Besides Chief Minister M Karunanidhi and Union Ministers Dayanidhi Maran and G K Vasan, former Chief Minister and AIADMK supremo J Jayalalitha were also present.
It was the day that almost every one in the industry seemed to have waited for. The biggest wedding in the industry of recent times ---Suriya with Jyothika --- was solemnized with all the traditional beauty and cinematic attraction. Suriya, the reigning heartthrob, tied the sacred thread around Jyothika’s neck at around 7 a.m. this morning. It was an occasion that was rich in emotions and cuteness as Suriya and Jyothika had been in love for several years now.
It was a triumph of human emotions, much like in films. Last evening, there was a mehindi function in true traditional style. The wedding itself was a many splendoured affair with all the big and mighty of the land at tow. Suriya looked happy and was attired in a traditional pattu veshti shirt. Jyothika was a resplendent land in a many-lakhs worth sari and an equally royal-designed diamond set. Jyothika's sisters Nagma and Roshini were conspicuous by their presence. A lavish spread and a grand reception were also underway.
The stream of well wishers included actors Rajinikanth, Kamal Haasan, Sarath Kumar, Radhika, Prabhu, Nepoleon, Vijay, Prakash Raj, Madhavan, Sathyaraj, Ajith, Shalini, Dhanush, Prashanth, Sneha, Asin to name a few. Joining them were directors K Balachander, Bharathiraja, Bala, Ameer, Vasanth, Gautam Menon, K S Ravikumar, S P Muthuraman, Lingusamy, Susi Ganesan, Dharani, K Bhagyaraj, Priya, Ramana, P Vasu among others. Music directors Illayaraja, A.R. Rahman, Bharadwaj, playback singers Bhavadharini, Harish Raghavendar, Tamil Film Producers Council president Rama Narayanan, producers A V M Saravanan, A V M Balasubramaniam, 'Aalayam' Sriram, A M Rathnam, K R G among others graced the occasion.
Besides Chief Minister M Karunanidhi and Union Ministers Dayanidhi Maran and G K Vasan, former Chief Minister and AIADMK supremo J Jayalalitha were also present.
Madonna Lyrics +Die Another Day+
Die Another Day -- written by Madonna and Mirwais AhmadzaiTrack
10, Time: 4:38-------------------------
I'm gonna wake up, yes and no
I'm gonna kiss some part of
I'm gonna keep this secret
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now
Uh, uh
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
For every sin, I'll have to pay
I've come to work, I've come to play
I think I'll find another way
It's not my time to go
I'm gonna avoid the cliché
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
Uh, uh
(Laugh)
(Spoken:)I need to lay down
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
Another day(repeat six times)
10, Time: 4:38-------------------------
I'm gonna wake up, yes and no
I'm gonna kiss some part of
I'm gonna keep this secret
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now
Uh, uh
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
For every sin, I'll have to pay
I've come to work, I've come to play
I think I'll find another way
It's not my time to go
I'm gonna avoid the cliché
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
Uh, uh
(Laugh)
(Spoken:)I need to lay down
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
Another day(repeat six times)
It's time to act joker!!!!!!!!!!!
A COLLECTION OF JOKES...
There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block." Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now." (Present continuous / just for fun)
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."
Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'
The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'
'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."
Submitted by Tim Allen, Switzerland
A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.
This joke never fails to get a laugh. A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap." (Draw a box on the blackboard.) "Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him."
The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.
One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent officer and says, (The exact same things) "Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's the saw blade."
The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says the slow witted man. "That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole and says," "Where did you put the cheese."
(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)
The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
(The check is in the mail.)
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "I quit!" said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
Submitted by Bonnie P
There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost. After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!" Do you know what he did with the brick? He threw it away!
When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap. When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth? ---The brick!
(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Submitted by Rick Bell
There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block." Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now." (Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
Submitted by Peggy Datz
I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender says "What can I get you?" Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't. And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you? Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes? The bartender is really ticked off. Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?" Umm. do you have any nails? What!? OF course not. Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
---- I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
It is also good to review "any"
A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender says "What can I get you?" Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't. And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you? Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes? The bartender is really ticked off. Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?" Umm. do you have any nails? What!? OF course not. Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
---- I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
It is also good to review "any"
A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
Submitted by Christine MacBrien (as told to her by her brother Dave in Toronto )
The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."
Submitted by: Brian Madden
Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.
Submitted by: Brian Madden
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
Submitted by: Alastair Rice
This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'
The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'
'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
Submitted by: Catherine
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
submitted by: Eve Ross
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
Submitted by Erin McCluskey
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."
Submitted by Tim Allen, Switzerland
A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.
Submitted by Christine MAZEAU
I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes. Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes. Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation
This joke never fails to get a laugh. A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap." (Draw a box on the blackboard.) "Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him."
The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.
One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent officer and says, (The exact same things) "Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's the saw blade."
The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says the slow witted man. "That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole and says," "Where did you put the cheese."
(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)
The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
Submitted by Karl Hartman
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
(The check is in the mail.)
Submitted by Bonnie P.
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "I quit!" said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
Submitted by Bonnie P
There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
Submitted by iena
An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost. After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!" Do you know what he did with the brick? He threw it away!
Submitted by Walter Lowe
When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap. When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth? ---The brick!
Submitted by Walter Lowe
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:
panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:
panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
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